This week, unexpected hope has sprung up within me. I haven't been feeling very hopeful lately despite the fact that I've been having regular cycles.
But with that hope came impatience. I want a baby. I'm tired of waiting. And sometimes, the wait of these years (five in August) of waiting press on me, and I just lose it. I break down into tears that bring with them a physical pain in my heart and my gut. I actually feel like I can't breathe. Thankfully, today I was home alone when that happened because I lost it completely. It didn't last long, but it was messy.
And then comfort came in an unexpected form. My hyper puppy walked across the room put his paws up on my lap and snuggled me. As soon as I started to pet him, still crying, he put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me. I am aware of how much I sound like a ridiculous pet owner, and I'm laughing as I type this, but I'm not kidding when I say he hugged me. Paws on either shoulder, leaning on me, and a little tongue popping out to kiss my tears.
And then I laughed. Laughed at the reminder God gave me that I am loved. Love by the people, and the creatures, that he has put in my life with his great sense of provision. And loved by him with an everlasting love.
When my crying stopped, Finn laid on the floor in front of my couch and took a nap, just like normal. But that hug helped.
I know I sound a little silly, maybe even a little nuts, but I thought it was a story worth sharing.